The Funniest Story I Know

Last week one of my classmates from a creative writing course at UMKC asked the question: what is the weirdest story you have ever heard or read. Here is my answer (and a true story):

I worked as a salesman at Montgomery Ward’s in the early 2000s. I had a coworker there named Bob. Bob was in his late 60s and was the nicest man you could ever hope to meet. He was generous and honest, and always willing to help out anyone who needed anything. But, he was never sober. He drank over lunch; he drank after work, and probably had a few beers with breakfast.

One afternoon in the middle of winter, another coworker, Elaine, asked Bob to help her take home a new big screen television she just purchased, because Bob owned a truck. This was before the days of the flat screen TVs, which means that this one was huge and heavy.

He agreed to help, so after lunch Bob and Elaine loaded the TV and drove to Elaine’s house. It had been snowing for a few days, and was bitterly cold. Ice and snow covered the streets and cars, and made navigation difficult. Bob’s truck was old and had rear wheel drive, which made the trip all the more difficult.

When they arrived at Elaine’s, Bob pulled past the drive way and began to back up, so they could unload the TV right into the garage.

As Bob began to back up, however, he hit a bump, heard a loud banging noise and found himself stuck. Thinking he had just missed the drive and hit a rut in the yard, he pressed the gas pedal down to try to get free. No luck. Then he tried to go forward but the tires kept spinning in the ice and snow.

As Bob continued to spin his tires, trying to get the truck free, a neighbor ran out of her house screaming for Bob to stop.

Bob and Elaine got out of the car and saw, to their horror and surprise, a large woman in a mail carrier uniform lying under Bob’s truck. She was on her back with her legs on either side of the rear tire on the driver’s side. The tire was partly on her bottom and partly on her thighs, and had ripped away all of the cloth from her pants so that Bob was spinning out on her flesh. Because of her size, the ice and snow, and the weight of the truck, Bob couldn’t get the truck off of her.

They called 911, and the officers and paramedics jacked the truck up and got the woman out. They took her to the hospital where she was treated for scrapes, bruises and burns, but was otherwise fine.

Bob was given a ticket for driving under the influence.

But this is only part of the story.

What makes this story so odd is that the neighbor who screamed at Bob to stop also told the police the full story.  The neighbor told the police she saw the mail carrier run up to Bob’s truck as he backed into the driveway, hit the truck with her hand and then dive on the ground behind the truck. Not knowing that Bob was drunk, she apparently hoped to get worker’s comp or sue Bob’s insurance or some other scam.

As it turns out, the woman got nothing but some medical bills paid, lost her job, and spent weeks tending her burned bottom.

The moral of this story is: If you want to scam someone, it’s best to pick a sober person who doesn’t have the ability to spin his tires on your rear end.


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Posted by admin on Sep 28 2011. Filed under Jeremy Gulley, Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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