Wet Hands, Paper Towels, And Votes . . .

By Jeremy Gulley

As I stood at in the bathroom of Kaufman Stadium in Kansas City, the urgency of the upcoming election became unavoidably clear to me. This year there are many important issues being discussed by politicians, news writers, and everyone who has the ability to project an opinion: gun control, health-care reform, the economy, and welfare. While these issues are quite important, I am calling for a focus on what I see as a major issue in today’s society – paper-towel dispenser consistency. Any politician who can promise a change in this area will have my vote (as many times as I can provide it).

There I was at Kaufman Stadium, having just washed my hands like a good citizen, waving madly underneath the towel dispenser, yet not getting my towel. A fellow baseball fan took pity on me and showed me the roller on the side. I nodded a quiet thank you to the man, rolled the dispenser a few times, dried my hands and went on my way.

But I should not, nor should any other citizen of these great United States, be fearful when entering a public restroom. We should be confident that when we need a towel we will know how to get it, yet this basic freedom still eludes us. Are we to dispense the towel ourselves, as was the case at Kaufman? And if we are to go the do-it-yourself route, are we to reach around the side of the dispenser and turn a wheel, or do we reach underneath and push or pull a lever? If we push a lever, how many times should the lever be pushed? Will one push do the trick and dispense an adequate amount of towel, or do we need to push multiple times in order to satisfy our dry handed dilemma?

Though these questions deserve an answer, we cannot even be sure to encounter a manual dispenser, I’m sad to say. No, often times the dispenser will do the job for us. However, the auto function only adds to the issue. Will the dispenser need to be triggered by waving a hand underneath? If so, how many towels will be issued, and how long must one wait before waving again if the amount of towels is not adequate? If the dispenser is triggered by motion, and a towel is issued by merely walking towards the dispenser, is it polite to take a towel, back up, and re-approach to get more towels? After leaving, if the dispenser provides an additional towel that is not needed, should it be taken and thrown away or left for the next person? If it is taken, the dispenser will inevitably produce another towel, that if taken will leave the handwasher in an infinite loop of infiniteness.

These are the issues that need addressed this election year. I call for reform of our paper-towel dispensers in public places, so the public can rest easy knowing that, when we have wet hands, we can safely and effectively get a towel to dry them. The time is now. We cannot wait another year for this scourge on society to be addressed. Join with me and cast your vote for those who will stand with us, not against us, and provide calm in our time of distress. What do we want? Consistent towel dispensers! When do we want it? When our hands are the wettest!

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Posted by admin on Jul 21 2012. Filed under Jeremy Gulley, Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

1 Comment for “Wet Hands, Paper Towels, And Votes . . .”

  1. Elect Emily! Or just shake it off, but don’t use someone’s hair as a towel!

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